The Imperia
The Imperia is a comical, off-colour mythologization of the Imperium Offtopicum user base—mainly the chat regulars—that reads like a bad fanfic crossed with the Bible and the Kama Sutra. It was written by Sonereal with appendices by CivOasis. Due to X-rated content it could never be posted to CivFanatics, and was originally an in-joke amongst the chat crowd. The Creation In the beginning, the skies were void of the stars. The earth was void of plots and humanity was void of the spark to mark a human human. And then Ravus snapped his fingers. Creation of Chat Once upon a time, on a board far far away, a new game on the forum started called IOT For a long time, ther was something called Realpolitick Chat One day, I created this chat for a specific game I was running. Then it kinda got really general So here we are. Shitty story, but I'm sticking to it. Book of CivO Chapter 1 So there CivOasis was on the COS Badass. The COS Badass is a day away from the coast of Brazil left, but CivO said "I don't give a fuck". With a machete clenched between his teeth, and one in each hand, he jumped off the boat and swimmed to Rio de Janiero. As he is walking up the beach, the dead caracass of a hammerhead shark keeping him warm, the natives descend on CivO. Clearly, CivO kills them all. For them, it was the day CivO, the Incan War God of Sex and Fertility, came and killed all the men and had children with all the women. For CivO, it was a Tuesday. After that, CivO was trekking through the Amazon Jungle with his travel harem. When he stumbles upon an isolated village never before seen by men. Very quickly, it became obivious that CivO had discovered the long lost Amazon Warrior Women of Brazil. As CivO is pumping away on the third Amazon woman, someone knocks on the door. "Who is it?" CivO yells. And then the door is kicked down. CivO stops pumping. "You." CivO stated. His face became that of pure granite. "Don't mind me," the newcomer said. "I'm just here spreading the love and teachings of Jesus Christ." The man revved up a chainsaw, "One native at a time." CivO buckles up his pants and slaps a woman who kept trying to unbuckle them. "What are you doing here, you Papist bastard?" Jeho grins, "I see that you are also spreading the love of Jesus Christ, one native at a time." Jeho took a step forward. On impulse, CivO grabs one of the Amazon women who CivO had just pleasured moments before by the hair and threw her at Jeho. Jeho's chainsaw bit into her supple brown flesh. Blood and gore covered the room and the screaming almost eclipsed CivOs battle cry as he leapt into the air, machetes at the ready. Book of Mosher Chapter 1 Demon!CivOasis looked outside. "I don't think he's coming, cum-bitch-whore-sucker." Demon!Mechaerik sighed, "First of all, language. Secondly, she will. Just give her a moment." The school was cold, desolate. Demon!Mechaerik could hear the lamentation of men downstairs. If he was quiet that is.S "Sandusky is the worst ally we have ever had." Demon!CivOasis laughed, "At least we're outside his age racket. Demon!Tyo had...problems." Demon!CivOasis gripped his remaining testicle. A car pulled up in front of the school. The two demons readied themselves. It had taken weeks of planning, but it may pay off. to the car "Bitch get off me" CivOasis said as he got out of the car. The president's daughter purred, wiping her lips, "Baby, why you gotta be like that?" CivOasis glared, "Bitch, why you gotta be a ho?" CivOasis slams the door on the president daughter's face, sending bone fragments into her brain, killing her instantly. Demon!CivOasis has a remarkably small penis CivOasis reached back into the car, grabbing his machete. There is banging from the trunk before Mosher kicks his way out, leaping twenty feet into the air and landing on his feet, despite having a backpack with a car battery in it that powers his own machete. back to Demon!Mechaerik "Pinkie Pie help us, he brought Mosher," Demon!Mechaerik swore. Demon!CivOasis frowned, "I thought you said he would bring a girl." "He did....she's dead. This plan has gone downhill already." "What do we do now then?" Demon!Mechaerik came up with an idea, "I know Mosher's only weakness." Demon!Mechaerik led Demon!CivOasis into the auditorium. "Isn't this where...well, all that stuff happened with the zombies and Demon!Tyo raping everyone?"" Demon!CivOasis asked. Demon!Mechaerik laughed, "Yeah. Good times. Anyway, look up." Demon!CivOasis did. "No." "In the name of Fluttershy, this is the best pla-" "No." DemonCivOasis repeated no several more times. Louder and faster than the last time. They hear the entrance kicked down, "Please, no." "It is our only chance." back to CivOasis and Mosher "How do you do it?" Mosher asked. "Do what?" CivOasis asked after smashing his cock against the door like a battering ram to knock it down. "You had the president's daughter on you like a Mexican on a truck. What's your secret?" CivOasis stopped in the middle of the hallway, turned around, and put a hand on Mosher's shoulder, "When she says, yes. She means yes. When she says no, it just means a yes is forthcoming." CivOasis then turned around and kept walking, leaving Mosher to parse that sentence. And then there were boobs. They weren't there one second while Mosher was walking. But then there were, and he walked right into them. "Why hello there," The woman purred seductively. CivOasis rapidly turned around, "I smell fema-no." Mosher pulled his face out, "What Civ?" "Mosher, you fucking mornon, look up." He looked up. "What, she's hot?" CivOasis leapt into action, slashing at the woman with a machete. She effortlessly sidesteps the blows, "And hello to you, my Incan Sex God of War." "FOR LUNA!" Demon!Mechaerik as he leapt into battle with a warhammer. It took all of Mosher's attention to dodge the blow that created a small crater in the floor where he used to be. Mosher revved up the battery, preparing to attack when a bat smacked into the back of his head, knocking him out. "Damn it, Mosher!" CivOasis yelled before the woman teleported behind him and put him in a sleeper hold, knocking him out. "...ey. Hey. HEY. Wake up!" Mosher heard CivOasis yell. Mosher woke up. And groaned, "Not this shit again." They were both tied down on a pink, heart-shaped bed. They could see themselves in the mirror ceiling above the bed. A record player was playing Barry White. "I don't know about you, but I'm tired of being raped by Demon!Tyo." Mosher muttered. "....I've never been raped by Tyo." Moments of silence. "It could be worse," CivOasis said. "How?" "There could be a psychotic demon in between you two," The woman said, all of a sudden resting between the two. "Ok, I'll bite. Who is she?" Mosher asked. "That's Demon-" She put a finger over CivOasis's lips, silencing him. "Spoilers," she said. "Let's see," She started. "I have CivOasis, the aforementioned war god. I have Mosher, a guy whose only weakness is...distraction. Now I just need to worry about the Catholic one I believe." "You won't get away with this!" CivOasis yelled. She sighed, "You're no fun." The woman floats out of the bed, onto her feet on the plush purple carpet. "Demon!Tyo is dead. Dead dead." She said. Mosher heard a clicking inside his head. His machete is close b y. "Demon!TF will be of use however." "We're still trying to find the other demons you locked up so uncermononiously, darling." Mosher could feel feel the machete. Feel it lifting wherever it is. The closet? CivOasis kept talking, "It is a matter of time before Mechaerik finds us. He can detect pony miles away." "We found Demon!LH. Poor bastard isn't waking up easily." She started coutning off on fingers, "We know where you hid Demon!AA. Demon!TK. Demon!Joan." CivOasis blanched. She kept talking, "Demon!RedSpy is taking care of your spy right now." "You wont' get away with this!" CivOasis resisted against the chains. She laughed, "But dear, I always do. Isn't that right, Mosher?" The machete dropped to the ground inches from the back of her neck. The chain connecting it making a damning clanking as it fell to the floor leading back to the car battery in the closet. "Well, this has gone on long enough. I can not suffer a heretic to live, I'm afraid." "But I'll make an exception tonight. Go tell your friends what you saw here." She laughed. "Maybe you'll learn something from the experience." And with that, she was gone. The chains dissolved to nothing. The first thing Mosher said, "If she wasn't so fucking crazy, I maybe-might would hit that." CivOasis punched Mosher in the face, again in the jaw, and knees him in the stomach. "You still have no idea who that was?" Mosher shook his head meekly. CivOasis looks up into the mirror, now showing the two men laying in bed, shredded to pieces. A trick mirror? "Demon!Sonereal." Book of Mechaerik Chapter 1 Demon!Tyo led the charge Leaping up four, five steps at a time as he greedily clawed his way up the stairs Drool slobbered from his thrice-broken jaw. Drool between spit and Sandusky's sloppy seconds. At the top of the stairs, he looked down the hall. "Hallways usually...this long. And dark. With only one door at the end." Genre-savvy after his last death, he turned around to head back down the stairs. Demon!Tyo almost fell off the ledge. The stairs were gone, leading to nothing but void. Demon!Tyo got on his knees and prayed. Father Sandusky. You have never led me wrong. What should I do?" "Father Sandusky. You have never led me wrong. What should I do?" Demon!Tyo brushed himself up, like a man with a purpose, and stomped his way do- "You." Shit shit shit. Demon!Tyo turned. To face. "What is going on? Why am I here?" Jeho asked. He swallowed a witty comeback, due to Jeho's chainsaw looking hungry. "I don't know." "Please don't kill me!" Jeho thought about it. He really did. "I won't kill you." Demon!Tyo laughed and was about to dance in joy when arrows peppered his back. He slumped to the ground, dead CivOasis had materialized from nowhere. "You look different without a protestant whore's lips wrapped around your member," Jeho remarked. "And you look different without a choir boy tied to your leg. Now tell me, why am I here?" Jeho shrugged. "Creepy hallway. Door ajar at the end of the hallway emitting a," he checked, "Rainbow? Yeah, not good." "OH GOD HELP ME." CivOasis grimaced. "That's Mechaerik." Jeho grinned, "In a room full of rainbow? Sick bastard." They entered the room and witnessed a gruesome sight. Jeho clutched his stomach, resisting the urge to throw up. CivOasis also had never seen something so vile. Jeho, "I thought it was just a myth." CivOasis, "And I think I need to kill it." Mechaerik was tied to a chair, in a torn dress. Anti!Mechaerik held a tea cup, full of a pink liquid so vile it must be none other than. "The Elixer of Brony." Anti!Mechaerik smiled. She stood up, dusted off her jeans, and bowed. "Good news everybody!" Mechaerik, mouth gagged with a plushie of Fluttershy, tried to scream and shook his head violently. Anti!Mechaerik ignored him. "Today we're going to have a tea party." CivOasis said, "I haven't had a Hispanic woman sin-" Anti!Mechaerik's tea cup turned into a Liberty Launcher. "Oh fuck me-" "GET DOWN!" She fired. She aimed for the feet. Jeho and CivOasis smashed against the pony-covered walls of the room. Inexplicably CivOasis was thrust upward, through the ceiling. Out of the story. Jeho was confused. Anti!Mechaerik sighed. "She's breaking the fourth wall again." Pause. Then everyone started laughing at the incredibly bad pun. Then Mechaerik's hand turned into a hoove. DUN DUN DUN Mechaerik screams, "Dude, my fucking hand. I'm turning into A BRONY." Jeho pats him on the back, "No you're not. You're turning into a pony, big difference." Meanwhile, "LONG LIVE PRINCESS CELESTIMECH, QUEEN OF THE LESBIANS." Really, Queen of the Lesbians is a joke from one of my favorite flash animations. Anti!Mechaerik removed her skirt, slowly. Mechaerik's lower torso was now pony Therefore making him a pony centaur. The end. Book of Tyo Chapter 1 Happy birthday Mr. President, Anti!Sonereal purred sensually. President!Tyo licked his lips and reached for his belt when Anti!Sonereal's nails digged into his exposed preidential back. He cried in pleasure, "AMERICA." Unbeknowst to the president and his evening hooker, a figure lurked in the shadow. Watching, waiting, praying. "Doing the Lord's work I see." President!Tyo screamed in confusin. "You bit my ear you crazy whore!" Anti!Sonereal spat blood at President!Tyo and stormed out of the room, her beautiful Hispanic body lingering on camera the entire time. President!Tyo turned to his handeler, "Tell the Pope I'm not ready." "But Mr. President, the Pope can't wait. The Papacy needs the US backing for the coup." President!Tyo looked into the cold blue eyes of Jeho and realized that refusal wasn't an option. Not with a chainsaw crossbow pointed as his exposed throbbing manhood, GORGING with hooker blood. Jeho nodded, "Tooooomorrrroooww." Then stepped into the shadow and vanished. Book of Reus Chapter 1 Reus crawled out of the ditch stealthily with a ballistic knife clenched between his teeth. "Kaiser," he whispered. The Great Electric Compound spawled before him in elegant glass fashion. Truly the creation of a madman hellbent on world domination, and Reus would do all in his power to stop the madman. Fences were leapt. Men killed. Heads busted. But Reus prevailed, and found himself standing just outside the Throne Room of the Electric Emperor. "COME IN," Kaiser ordered. The forty ton door of obsidian swung open at thirty miles per hour, causing a powerful gust of wind that threw Reus into the marble and ivory wall. Sonereal: The Electric Kaiser laughed, "YOU FOOL. ALL ELECTROTECH CREATES GUSTS WHEN OPENED. DON'T YOU KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT SCIENCE?" "You're a madman, Electric! And I will stop you!" Reus yelled back, coughing up blue blood, because he is Jewish. Kaiser Electric laughed again. "OH YOU PITIFUL MORTAL. YOU CRASS HUMAN. DON'T YOU SEE HOW FAR ABOVE YOU I AM IN THE WORLD?" "I AM THOR. I AM ZEUS. I AM THE EMPEROR OF ELECTRIC TOWN AND ALL HER SISTER CITIES. NOW BEND THE KNEE, OR I SHALL SMITE YOU WITH MY SWORD." Suddenly, a mighty blade of pure electricity formed in the Kaiser's elegant hands. Reus leapt to his feet, throwing the knife at the Kaiser, who deflected it with his blade, but as he deflected it, he didn't notice the 135 pound man leaping to him. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING, YOU PERNICIOUS FOOOOOOOl?" "MMPH MPMPH MPH!" The Kaiser tried swinging his ELECTRIC JUSTICE at Reus, but Indonesians are too slippery to be caught by electricity. All the while, Reus's teeth sank deeper into the Kaiser's shoulder. "REGRET THIS YOU WILL." "MASTER, NO!" A creature leapt across the room onto Reus's back, flaying the Indonesian with its LIGHTNING CLAWS. "HAHAHA. YOU ARE NO MATCH FOR MY CHRISTOS CAT." Christos Cat sommersauted off Reus, posed, and purred. "What the fuck did you just do?" Reus asked. Book of Christos Chapter 1 Christos looked around the bank for trouble, and found it. "Damn I look good," Christos said in fluent ancient Greek to himself in the mirror. "Can I help you sir?" The German bank teller asked. "Not me." Christos pulled out three katanas. "You can help my people though by giving me all the money in the vault." The German bank teller reached for the button immediately. Christos let her. After she pressed the button, he slashed the bulletproof glass seperating her from him with the katana clenched between his teeth. "Is that the button you Germans pushed to signal the Italians to invade us!?" Christos flicked around and threw one katana across the room and impaled a German security guard. The bank teller got to work filling up the bag but Christos tsked. "I don't want any of that." "I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU WANT, SIR." Christos sighed. "When you Germans forced the Euro on us, you took all our drachmas and locked them up in banks. I want drachmas. Drachmas will liberate my people." "Sir. There are no drach-" "Don't you lie to me you fascist slut! Fill the bag with proper Greek currency or I shall hit you with my sword!" "I see you are causing the lady some trouble, my friend." Christos slowly turned around, keeping his hand on his blades. "I thought I smelled a Turk." Demon!Christos laughed. "Hahaha." Demon!Christos giggled. "I'm only half-Turk you silly goose." "What's the other half?" "Italian." Christos eyed his opponent. She truly was his opposite. A sexy female version of the usually sexy Christos. She was also unarmed. "What game are you playing at, Kebab?" She put on finger on her nose. "No game. See how my nose remains the same length!" "You're a Jew too?" "...?" ?_? "I'm not Jewish." "Because you're a Turk!" "Sir, I can't find any drachm-" "LIES." "The response time in Germany is terrible," Demon!Christos bitched at the teller. "That's because it's Sunday." "Wait, what?" The bank teller smiled, "Haven't you heard the good news?" Demon!Christos and Christos eyed each other sensually nervously and shook their heads. Demon!Terran pulled out a large knife, "Jesus died for you." END Book of Fedoras Chapter 1 Demon!Tyo strolled into the bar and tipped his fedora at the bar wrench and took a seat at the bar. The gentlesir owner of the bar approached him, "What can I do for you, my good sir?" He asked. Demon!Tyo took a good look at the contents of the bar and decided he will have himself a Euphoria Lite. "A great choice!" The gentlesir proclaimed. While he filled a golden chalice with the bumbly good drink, the busty bar wrench came up to the alpha male and asked, "My good sir, I have a question." Demon!Tyo turned his stool around to look the lady in the eye and smiled, "Anything I can do for you, m'lady?" He asked. "I can tell that you are a strong and caring man, and I need your help. Two days ago my twin was kidnapped by men-hating feminists who were jealous of her beauty and popularity with men. If you could rescue her, I would be eternally in your debt," the bar wrench pleaded. Demon!Tyo ran his fingers through his neckhairs and mulled over pleas. The gentlesir brought him his beer and Demon!Tyo took a sip, "M'lady. I will do this thing you ask of me for little cost. A man of my intelligence will easily be able to rescue your twin sister. Worry not about repaying me, for I feel a great reward in my mind doing kind things for strangers in need." The busty bar wrench thanked Demon!Tyo, "Oh thank the one true God!" She proclaimed. Demon!Tyo chuckled. "How can such an intelligent and beautiful creature lady like yourself believe in such things?" Demon!Tyo impounded into her mind the tenets of atheist living and a rigid morality system freed from ancient odes while drinking. When he finished explaining everything he knew, it was like a great sexual release, and for her, the achievement of enlightnment was like a furious orgasm that left her sweating and quivering. Demon!Tyo paid a 30% tip, tipped his fedora to the bar wrench, and went out the door in a flash. Chapter Book of Red Chapter 1 Redspy stretched his legs on the balcony overlooking the city. "Come back to bed," Mechaerik purred sensually, his Hispanic nipples hard from the vigor of the intense burpee exercise he just did in bed. "No," Redspy said flatly. "My body was decidedly not ready." Mechaerik rolled over and began spooning intensely with his Saber body pillow. Redspy sighed, "How did it come to this? I came out to California to become a famous movie star. Not to do anal exercises with green carders." Suddenly Redspy heard a low moaning sound above him. He jumped and looked into the room. Mechaerik had already fallen asleep, having exerted his potential quickly on the twelve-year old pillow. "Up here!" The ghost of CivOasis barked hoarsely. "What the fuck CivO?" Redspy whispered, closing the balcony door so nobody could hear them. "How did you get up here?" Ghost!CivOasis, a long time smoker of blunts and salvia, ignored Redspy's question, "How doth thou not appreciateth my presence? Verily unamused I amst!" Ghost!CivOasis kicked the plot slinky with his hardened zionist boot. "I heardest that thou wisheth to be of such a being to rival the hardesteth, most talententh, of Spear-Shaker's men." Redspy raised his left eyebrow, his right one being lost during exercise, "What?" Ghost!CivOasis began miming, his mastery of English tenuous at best, he resorted to the dialect of the Welsh, "Consider well, Redspy. For soon an agent of the talent agency shall arrive with good news of your potential employment." Redspy squealed with delight, "Yippers! When dost thou come?" "They dost come NOW." A knock on the balcony door behind Redspy startled him. A tall, black man was waving. Redspy turned around but Ghost!CivOasis was already blazing in heaven. Redspy opened the door, "Hello! Are you one of Mechaerik's friends?" The tall black man held out a hand to shake Redspy's hand, and he slipped a card into it. BIG BLACK TYO SEX WIZARD M.D. "What." "Don't let the M.D. scare you. I got my Ph.D in engineering." Tyo's deep voice vibrated deep within Redspy, causing an excitement he hadn't felt since Mechaerik brought the Saber pillow to the apartment. "I'm Mechaerik's friend. He told me you were looking for...work>' And with that, Redspy was riding in the back of a limo. Destination: Bairtown. End Chapter 1 Chapter 2 Bairtown smelled like hell. A literal hell of stupid Asianic languages. "This place smells like a literal hell of Koreans," Redspy muttered. Redspy heard a voice, "Who the fuck gets a PhD in engineering?" "What?" Redspy asked. "What?" Tyo growled so sexily that the author of this piece restrained himself from exiting chat and looking up BBC porn on Pornhub., but only barely. Ghost!CivOasis said, "I mean, you don't get a PhD in engineering." "He's a wizard though." "A *sex* wizard isn't a real occupation, Red." While Redspy argued with the voice in his head, Tyo was firing text message after text message, "You put him in a tunic and the guys will totally love him." "I SEE. FOR A TUNIC IS TYPICALLY ASSOCIATED WITH THAT OF THE LADIES, THE FEMALES, WOMEN I AM SAYING, YOU UNDERSTAND. FOR IN MY COUNTRY, BOTH WOMEN AND MEN BRING JUSTICE AND TRANQUILITY INTO THE RELATIONSHIP SPHERE." "Sir I-" "CONSIDER WELL, GRAND WIZARD TYO." Tyo considered well. "I agree," he replied. Tyo looked at Redspy, his supple body melding so carefully with the black leather seat. As an admiral in the navy, Tyo had sunk a lot of ships in his day. No! He thought. That is behind me! Their screams; their horrifying screams....they kept him up at night. So many brave sex wizards.... "Are we almost there?" Asked Redspy "Umm, yes, just arou-" The limo crashed. The driver, Tyo, and Redspy crawled out of the burning sexcrage of the limo and surveyed their surroundings. All around them were... "No. It can't be. That's impossible!" Tyo yelled in anguish. Every building. Every car. Teemed with ninjas. Not any ninjas, no, for Tyo was a sex wizard, the natural antithesis of ninja. These were...Greek Ninjas. Of the Greek Ninja Party. Yoshi stepped out from behind Tyo. "How did you do that?" Tyo asked. "You act as if I care about balance and sense." End Chapter 2 Chapter 3 When Redspy woke up, he was in bed. A beautiful Asian woman was rubbing his chest, "Hi, my name is Bair," she purred orientally. In another room, Tyo was having a very serious conversation about a very surreal topic with an extremely surreal person. "WHAT ARE YOU OF MEANING ABOUT THIS TURN OF EVENTS WHICH PERPLEXES ME SO?" Tyo, desperately, tried to explain a subject which to any other man would sound like Ninjacow wrote about it. "Yoshi said that he has signed an alliance with Caliph Nedim of the Islamic State and that unless you exchange all your sheep for all of IS's wood, they will blow up a marathon in Boston." "oh" Ailedhoo raised a non-English eyebrow, "Will then. Consider this. What if we use the man in the other room for such purposes as to avoid an attack on our fellow humans on the East Coast?" "Come again?" Book of Omega Chapter 1 Before there was time, before there was anything, there was nothing. But before there was nothing, there was feminism. Undying, fiery feminism Meaningless, without form or substance, feminism simply existed. And in this universe sprung forward a dainty lady by the name of Megan. credits Omega looked out the window, "Something feels wrong." She said, realizing something felt wrong. There is a knock on the door. It was Kaiser. "What are you doing here??" She asked Kaiser, who being from New Jersey was surprisingly not trying to drown himself to escape his self-inflicted misery of living in New Jersey as a grown adult with an option to move to New York or literally anywhere else on the East Coast but I guess he can't because that requires a computer for planning and UPDATING his plans and he can't UPDATE his plans until his computers part are in or something and he UPDATES his life to include a computer. Kaiser frowned, "Somebody, somewhere, is trying to rope us into an Imperia story. I'm not about that life." Megan's lights and life lit up like a Christmas tree in the Middle East, " What? Really? That's great!" "Nigga are you for real right now? Have you read any of these stories? One of us will *likely* end up being raped by Tyo." "I'm a girl." "I'm likely to end up being raped by Tyo." Omega patted Kaiser's furry arms and stroked his whiskers, "There there. I'm sure you'll be fine." But Kaiser wasn't fine. Kaiser wasn't fucking fine at all. For, outside in a van, was Tyo. Tyo peered through Megan's second story window with a set of ruby-encrusted binoculars. His penis flopped uselessly out of his pants, desperately seeking stimulation or attention. Tyo checked his badge. After all these years, he was finally made lieutenant of the police force. "I will use this badge justly," Tyo's lips rapily formed the words like Ailedhoo forms a sentence. Kaiser felt a chill go up his feline spine, "Oh God it is happening. Seriously, you can end this Omega." "Wait, what are you?" But Kaiser vanished into a mist and in his place was CivOasis. "Hi!" CivOasis didn't blink. CivOasis din't move an inch. He only stared, happily, at Megan, who was suddenly beginning to realize the severity of the situation. "Do you need help?" CivOasis asked Ivy League-ily. Sonereal: "With what? I don't understand it guys. Literally nothing has happened other than, wait, who the fuck are you?" CivOasis's neck moved (his eyes remaining fixed) so he could look out the window. He bent slightly at the base of his spine to point his eyes toward the van. "With that." CivOasis said. His words aren't even matching his lips, Megan realized. She looked out the window at the darken police van which she should've noticed a long time ago but didn't because..."Oh God I'm a character in a shittily written story." "Really? Me too! Are there elves and dwarves and DRAGONS??" "Wait, wh-" "I like dragons." CivOasis said all of this while staring at the van. Megan stood up from her desk, "Haha you know what, I think I'm fine with not having a story." CivOasis body turned to face Megan. Then his head followed. Then he straighened his back. "Megan." "I-" "Megan shh." "I-" "Megan shh." "I-." Tyo watched from the window. "What the fuck are they doing?" He saw the newcomer just standing there. Mouthing a set of words repeatedly. As if on repeat. As if on repeat. As if on repeat. "Weird," Tyo thought thought. "But I came here to huff some pussy and if I can't get the whiskers, Imma get the Age of Empires muff even though AoE is a shitty game nobody really likes but only plays because nostalgia and because cool people play it." Tyo leapt out of his van. Barged into Megan's house. Stomped up the stairs Knocked down her door. And there was nothing but endless white space as far as the eye can see. Back in Megan's room. "I-" "Megan shh." "I-." "Only dreams now." CivOasis opened the door and there stood Tyo, his penis suddenly a vagina. Tay looked around the room confused, then down at herself, then around the room. "I don't remember how I got here." He really didn't. He wasn't a lieutenant. He wasn't even a *cop*. Where was he? But the strange, unblinking man told him there there, everything would be alright. Hang on acid breka CivOasis thought about all he had accomplished in the last few days. As he stood there between a man from his universe and this woman from another. He thought about his accomplishments, but his face betrayed nothing of the pride he felt for what he had just done. Nobody else would appreciate it, he felt. "Shhhhh." He said, his lips quivering into his mysterious racial way. All the sounds in the world dampened, quietly falling to sleep. Tay, who was Tyo, but not really, fell asleep. Then Megan. Then Kaiser, who was hanging upside down in CivOasis's questionaire dungeon But most of all, CivOasis fell asleep, and the world came to an end. "What were you dreaming about?" Sonereal asked CivOasis when he woke up. CivOasis just shook his head, "I need to...I need to stop coming to IOT Chat." "Haha that's funny wanna fuck?" END Book of Son Sayings Best way to catch an Indian stealing your cheese? Leave a bottle of alcohol on your front porch. Don't get me started on the greaers. They're like blacks, but they have a work ethic if you throw some coins at them and mime painting a fence or putting up a wall. Damn gangbangers. Bermuda should reinstitute slavery and give those guys something to do. Black people know when they're being followed. Anti!Mechaerik enjoys long walks on the beach, ponies, slashfiction, and killing the unborn. Feminacts ::By Megs 1. Parable of the Manspreader Tolni Tolnivich was an untermensch male within the United Nations of Women Bulgarian Occupation Zone. The global fempire has made sure all men work for the benefit of womankind. After being whipped one to many times by an overly enthusastic forewoman, Tolni had enough and decided to run awa that night. Tolni managed to make his way to Paris, the hert of the former Women's Republic of France, before he charged with loitering in a public park. Of course, this wasn't a real crime; the copper just wanted an excuse to round up all the disgusting manpigs she could find in one day, and Tolni was unfortunate in the wrong place at the wrong time. At the station, he was forced to go through mandatory castration via heated butter knife. However, tolni found new found happiness after becoming a eunuch, finally being free of his male hormones which dominated his world view since puberty. He now had a new mission in life; cure cancer via concentrated blast of nuclear energy. It was the most altruistic fallout thing he could do. However, as Tolni was poor, and had no cash reserves whatsoever. As Eastern Europeans are allergic to jobs, he instead became a pickpocket, stealing all the abundant purses in the new feminist order. Eventually, he raised enough money to build a working prototype, but at this point the gendarme had caught up on the elusive Bulgar Burglar. Tolni was forced to use his radiation beam as a weapon, creating tumors in the ciops's hands so that they were unable to fire off their guns. However, there were too many to hold out forever. Tolni was forced to burn his lab down, and once again escaped into the middle of the night. He went to the local airport and snuck on the first plane he could find. The plane was supposed to head to beautiful Canberra, the former capital of Australia (The Australian Occupation Zone has moved the administration to Syndey, because nobody cares about Canberra). However, when the plane flew over Uluru, a sudden tornado materialized out of nowhere and flung the plane into Queensland! The plane crashed in the conservative, leaving Tolni the only survivor. The plane wreck was on the property of Mr. and Mrs. Mundy, who rescued Tolni and took him into their house. There, they saw a news broadcast of Jeho, the leader of the anti-feminist terrorist group Dies Irae. He boasted that he destroyed "Ayers Rock" (can't be using heathen terminology here) with his portable tornado device as a show of force against the fempire. He demanded the end of women's suffrage (glossing over the fact that there's no male suffrage in the fempire), or that he will destroy Canberra. Political pundits then discussed this threat, before agreeing that no one will care because lol Canberra. However, Tolni knew he had to stop this heinous act, because the plot wouldn't advance otherwise! Tolnivich, being the Bulgar Burglar, stole the Mundy's car and drove all the way to Canberra. He arrived just in the nick of time; he saw a group of men in Templar uniforms setting up a cross-shaped device in the middle of a park. Patrolling police did nothing to intervene, because Australians found violence and guns scary and outlawed both completely, which led non-occupation law enforcment ineffective. Tolni rushed in and punched a Templar right in the face, who proceeded to wet his pants and run away. The other terrorists followed suit, as Tolni's violence frightened them. Only Jeho remained, who yelled an ominous threat in Latin. "I don't speak Esperanto" Tolni sheepishly admitted. Jeho sighed, his hand firmly grasping his face. "That was Latin, you idiot". Tolni's face contorted to make a :^) shape, before Jeho continued, "I cursed you to one day lose your manhood, you feminist shill" "But I'm already a eunuch," Tolni retorted. The two stared at each other. And stared. And stared. Fall turned to Winter. Winter turned to Spring. Spring attempted to hand it back to Summer, but Winter shived Summer in front of Spring, claiming that Australian seasons are stupid and that it was actually her turn, per literally everywhere else. Eventually, Jeho shrugged, "In that case, want to get a burger? I know a good place back home in Queensland..." "I don't eat Canadian food," Tolni declared. The Catholic laughed, thinking Tolni's infactual statement was actually an intentional joke. The two went north, where they munched on burgers. The two had a great time, and soon went on many adventures together, such as going to the mall, burning heretics and feminists, watching movies (of which the only films shown were Kingdom of Heaven and Passion of the Christ), inquistioning, and rollerskating. Jeho even gutted the Mundys with his crusader sword when they were angrily looking for their car! After burning an especially flammable feminist, Jeho approached his friend and told him he needed an outside volunteer for Dies Irae on an important mission. Not wanting to turn a friend down in need, Tolni accepted. Jeho then rammed a chloroform rag in tolni's face. When he regained consciousness, Tolni Tolnavich found himself naked, strapped to a stone altar. Jeho and a few other men in monk robes were ominously chanting in Latin, as Jeho proclaimed the blood of the Bulgar Burglar will help them steal Australia back from the feminists (Jeho taught him Latin during the timeskip). "Why," Tolni meekly protested. Jeho smirked Catholiclly. "Nothing personnel, kid" Appendices THE IMPERIA: EARLY HISTORY ::By CivO At the dawn there was the Whosit – a being neither man nor god, and who existed before our memory. The Whosit posed the Question, and from the Question rose the great god Ravus. Only Ravus knows the Answer, and though he does not share it, he has used his knowledge to create the Imperia, and provide to his followers the light. To join his pantheon, Ravus chose the lesser god Oasis, an Incan deity of War, Sex, and Fertility, whose origins are lost to time. To aid in his great plan, Ravus gave Oasis the Clue. And while Oasis was respected by the people, he was not revered nearly to the degree of the Great Ravus, as shown by the eternal single-ness of the vast majority of the Imperia. And to spread his designs to the masses, Ravus appointed the Prophet Sonereal, who spread the Book of the Imperia, aided by the Chronicler Red. Despite the benevolent Ravus’s guiding hand, not all was well within the Imperia. There arose a false prophet, the ancient being Jehoshua, who, assisted by his lackeys, the Japan-Chinese Emperor Christos and the mad Manx warlord Ailedhoo, preached of a lord distinct from the pantheon of Ravus. Even within those loyal to the true Church of Ravuslam, strife was spreading. The mighty demon Tanicius rose up against the forces of the Imperian loyals, and struck down the mighty Wizard Tyo’s grand Admiral navy. Forced to the brink, the Imperia ruptured, with Tanicius bringing the once-loyal forces of Lighthearter and Thorvald into conflict with the true Church. Only by the guiding grace of Ravus were they allowed to rejoin the Imperia once again. Following the reunification of the Imperia, the Triumvirate of Four was established, to lead its denizens against the threats that faced it. Under the guidance of the Prophet Sonereal, the reformed Demon Tanicius, the former schismatic Thorvald, and strategic brilliance of Tailless, the Imperians entered a new golden age. Elsewhere in the world, darkness was stirring. The mighty Ravus had fallen into a deep slumber, allowing the Imperia to descend into chaos, and for the dark forces of The Mods to march in and install their false gods. The conflict threatened to tear the world apart, until the lesser god Oasis intervened, brokering peace between the two sides, and thus codifying the laws of the Imperia, and stabilizing its place within the realm of The Mods. And then Oasis proclaimed, “Let there be peace!” And the great god Ravus awoke, and the Imperia enter its modern era. THE IMPERIA: The Antis and Demons :By CivO The world of the Imperium was not alone, however. When the Question was posed, it was responded with the False Answer, thus spawning the Demon Tanicius and the Anti!Imperia, a realm inhabited by the polar opposites of the true Imperians. Under the guidance of Tanicius, the Anti!Imperians created the Demon!Imperians, lesser versions of themselves who set out to destroy the world of the Answer. The Great Ravus looked down upon Tanicius’s attempts with disdain, and sent down the War God Oasis to aid the Imperians in the defence of their world. Being outside of the universes, Oasis had no Anti! Or Demon! counterparts, and thus the tide began to turn in favor of the world of the Answer. Nothing is ever as simple as it may seem, however. Under the guidance of Demon!Mosher and Demon!WIM, and even more horrible force was born – James, a being straddled between both worlds. Initially following the orders of the Demon!Imperians, James eventually grew even more terrible than his masters, and became a threat to the universes on both sides of the divide. Category:Lore